I’ve been going about dating all wrong.

Being the nice, accommodating person I am, I had always dated guys in spite of.

I would date a guy in spite of the fact that he wasn’t really on my level. By “on my level”, I mean having the same level of thoughtfulness about life and how his actions affect his future and present. Being in the process of achieving goals and having some success at things. Being a grown up. A man who is consistent and focused on his goals with me. That is what I would consider “on my level”. And in all honesty, it’s really difficult to admit that. Because admitting that requires a woman to think of herself in a certain way, which honestly, I still kind of find to be a bit difficult to do. I mean, I’m not that special. I should give “nice” guys a chance, right? They’re nice! And after all, you should never feel like you’re better than someone.

Girl chat!

Well, that’s true. No one in this world is better than anyone else, least of which me. But in dating, you have to be realistic about how a person will affect your life. It’s not “thinking you are better” than a person to realize that. When you are connected to someone and your lives are truly intertwined, solely being a “good guy” won’t fit the bill. If a man is just “nice”, that’s not enough. Heck, I’m nice, too. But I have also accomplished a bit in my life and have worked hard to have certain things. And I can’t compromise what I’ve been able to do so far just to be in a relationship. If I am to be with someone, it has to be a man on my level. Otherwise, I would be letting a man negatively impact my life. And if I’m doing that….I might as well be….well, single.

There came a time when I was talking to a guy who was doing just that. This guy was not where I was in life. And that could be ok, but there was also no sign of him trying to do better for himself, either. I had a frank conversation with my girl Nelly one day. Nelly is the queen of common sense. She always grounds me when I’m all over the place, and I love her for it. We were chatting about the latest guy I was talking to, and she said to me very sweetly, “You know– you should start dating guys who are on your level.” when she said that, I realized– I had just spent the last 5 minutes justifying spending time with a guy who was not even ABLE to provide me a stable dating relationship. I made excuse after excuse for him. She was right– I was wasting my time. It’s not rude or arrogant or snobby to want someone who can be in a relationship with me the way I want to be in a relationship. I want normal dates and communication and consistency and affection. I want a guy who can take me out for drinks and not try to split the bill. I want someone who can match my energy. That is reasonable, and I have a right to accept nothing less.

That’s when I realized– I had been dating men in spite of what they were doing, but what if I could date someone because of, for once? What if a guy was into me, and I dated him because of how he made me feel and how compatible we are? What a novel concept to NOT start off a relationship trying to overlook tons of red flags.

So, I give that lesson to everyone reading. Before you invest your time and feelings into someone, ask yourself if you are spending time with this person in spite of certain things or because of certain things. If it’s in spite of, think really, really hard about what you want from the relationship. Why are you overlooking things? How would it look if you merged your life with this person?

And then think about a relationship where you could be with someone because of the wonderful things they are and do. Wait for a because of relationship. It won’t be perfect– no relationship is– but I think that it will leave you more satisfied as a whole. And at the very least, you won’t be stuck at a restaurant trying to split a $13 bill.