Kim and Kanye are expecting baby #4. Despite what my personal feelings may be about them as people, a new baby is always something wonderful. However, I’m starting to see commentary thrown about regarding baby #4’s baby shower. This situation gives me flashbacks to seeing this topic discussed a lot on social media in recent times. A few years ago a singer was having a baby shower for her eighth child, and thus the topic of multiple baby showers was introduced into the social media wars. It was a messy debate, and I saw so many careless opinions being thrown about that I had to shut my laptop screen in horror. As I am exhausted of seeing so many misguided statements on the subject, I have to address this. For the sake of etiquette. For the sake of doing the right thing. For the sake of common decency. I need to explain to the world why it is tacky to have several baby showers (for the majority of circumstances). The bottom line is, you should not have a full baby shower for baby #2 unless the baby is a different gender as baby #1 or is born past a certain time window (I would think past about 4-5 years). Multiple showers for the first baby are perfectly fine. After baby #2, you really should not have another shower, period.
In addition to seeing the battle waged online, I have also discussed this topic at length with friends, and there are claims and comments from the opposing camp that fall into five themes that I will address.
I want all of my babies to be celebrated! Ok, let’s get something straight. A baby shower is a party with the specific intention to shower the MOM-TO-BE (not the baby) with gifts to make this life-changing experience as easy as possible. Have you ever noticed that when you go to purchase a baby shower card, it usually has a picture of an expectant mother on it, or says something about being a mother-to-be? Hallmark knows what’s up. This designation of the party being for the mom and not the baby is important. You are only a first-time mom once. However, if you want the arrival of each baby to be celebrated, have at it! I think that’s a beautiful sentiment. But throw the party yourself! And for the love of all things decent, do not solicit gifts. Your friends and family are not on the hook to fund all of your life decisions.
If my baby grows up and sees that he/she didn’t have a shower, he/she will be upset. I don’t know what kind of kids you are around, but I have yet to run into a child who cares about a party that happened before he/she was born. In fact, I was that kid. I am the youngest of 3, and there was not a shower thrown for my mother when she was pregnant with me. By the time I was the age that I knew what showers were and even cared to ask in passing one day, my mom let me know that showers were not typically thrown for the 2nd pregnancy or forward unless the children were different genders or other extenuating circumstances. Contrary to the fears I saw online on how that could impact a child’s psyche, I did not question my self-worth and existence, nor did I have an existential meltdown upon hearing that. I said “oh ok”. All that to say—if your child falls apart at the thought of not having had a baby shower before he/she was born, there are other issues at hand.
If my friends want to throw me a shower, I’m going to let them! I have been that friend. My sister-in-law was expecting baby girl #4 (numbers 2 and 3 were twins), and my sister and I were more excited for our newest niece than we could express. In discussion one day, we brought up the idea to our sister-in-law of not doing a shower per se, but a party for just family where they could bring diapers and other items that couldn’t have been passed down from her older girls. She said to us, very kindly and firmly, “Girl, have a seat. Y’all have done enough.” She is a thoughtful person. I would implore you to be that person. Know when to tell your friends and family “Y’all have done enough.”
I like new things for each of my children! Funny thing about new things—you can buy them yourself. Too bad tact isn’t for purchase. However, it seems like they are handing out entitlement for free.
Etiquette is just some book of outdated rules, and I’m not going to let it govern my life!
Etiquette rules and norms evolve—etiquette is a living, breathing concept. In fact, the very standard for Etiquette, the book Etiquette in society, in business, in politics and at home by Emily Post, is currently on its 18th edition. We have evidence that etiquette standards change quite often. For instance—it used to be taboo for the family of an honoree to throw a shower because it gave the appearance that the family was begging for gifts. Now it’s understood that, in many cases, it’s just more efficient for those who are closest to the honoree to throw him or her a shower. Along the same vein, it’s acceptable now to have a shower for the second child if it makes sense to do so. And furthermore, the ideas of a “Sprinkle” or diaper showers have evolved into really fun alternatives to help the parents out in a fun way without asking people to gift the same types of gifts that could have been saved from previous babies.
What does not change about etiquette is the values behind the manners—one of those being consideration. This is why having more than two baby showers is simply not in good form—it’s not considerate of those around you to keep asking for gifts year after year because you choose to keep having children. We are thrilled for you and your precious children, but for you to keep expecting us to purchase all new supplies for each of them is…well…inconsiderate.
All of this to say– if you want to go rouge and do your own thing, that’s fine. It’s your life and your prerogative. Your family and friends probably aren’t as uptight as I am, anyway. Just keep in mind that there are reasons for certain social norms and etiquette. They keep a standard that allows your intentions to be clear to people, and they provide a framework for successful and appropriate interactions. As long as you keep that in mind, go forward and enjoy your life. And if you still decide to have that 5th baby shower, have a blast and leave me out of it.
Post, Emily. Etiquette in Society, in Business, in Politics and at Home. New York: Funk & Wagnalls, 1922. Bartleby.com www.bartleby.com/95/. [April 10, 2016].